worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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