I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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