I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize