End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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