She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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