you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I got inside last night via doggy door
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
