i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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