You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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