I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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