Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
