Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
