yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
