If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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