it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
