yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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