Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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