i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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