She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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