So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
