T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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