the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
