Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
