i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize