it wasn't lemon gatorade
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
