Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
