So drunk, too bad you don't want this
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
