btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
time to smoke my breakfast
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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