Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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