i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
