allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize