I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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