You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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