I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
