I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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