I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
