Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
