cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
