i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
