Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
