Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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