So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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