I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
