it was like having sex with a tree stump
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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