so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
