just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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