i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
