remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
