We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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