Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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