We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize