i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
