sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My legs feel like baby dolphins
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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