theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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