Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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