Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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