She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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