So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
