When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
a search helicopter?!
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize