I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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