Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
His nipple licking is glorious
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