Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
