My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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