I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
