the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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