I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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