What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You have to summon your inner elephant
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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