Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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