i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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