Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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