having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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