I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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